What exactly is miserable husband syndrome (MHS) and how do we fix it?
Now every source I looked at said the same thing: this is not an actual diagnosable mental health condition. Ok, so what is it? Well, symptoms include constant irritability, mood swings, decreased interest in hobbies and activities, withdrawal from family and friends, and increased complaints and negativity. The causes are listed as declining testosterone levels, overly stressful times, a midlife crisis, feelings of isolation, and underlying other mental health conditions. It is most common in men ages 40-60. The listed treatments are more communication with their wives, therapy, addressing the other mental health conditions (so therapy again), more intimacy and connection with their wives, and finally a lifestyle change (diet, exercise, or stress management).
A couple of things jumped out to me. First, I don’t think you need to be married to experience all of these symptoms. So, the use of the word husband is probably inexact. Second, this whole thing could be summed up as the guy is just grumpy all the time, whether he is married or not. I think wives are just the most likely to notice because they are the closest person in that man’s life and perhaps the most affected by his grumpy behavior. Third, the majority of the ‘cures’ you read about revolve around either going on some kind of pharmaceutical drug or talking to someone about your feelings. Now ideally, they want you to talk to your wife about how you are feeling and hopefully, she will understand, and feel closer to you, and that will make everything ok now? Or you trick your body into still operating younger by giving it synthetic hormones. Ok, but how exactly did men get on for thousands of years before this magical medical breakthrough was available or modern therapy was available?
Like almost all things pharmaceutical, these ‘cures’ tend to treat the symptoms, not the underlying cause. Do you really think going back in your life and looking at your traumas will somehow make you feel less grumpy right now or in the future? After all, that is what the psychology field suggests. Failing mental health conditions are predicated on unresolved life event processing. Essentially you never made peace with what happened and it has slowly driven you into a diagnosable mental health condition (even if MHS is not). Ok, I know that is a bit pessimistic and simplistic but also not entirely wrong. My point is maybe we are coming at this incorrectly and a fresh perspective is needed. Curious? Let’s explore.
If you are familiar with my school, you know I use a house as an example for almost everything. If we assume the traditional role of men and women in a marriage, I see men as the roof, protecting everyone underneath them. I see women as the walls, supporting the roof and keeping the family together. Both roles require strength, but of a different kind. Now I am only going to focus on the male role because this blog is about MHS. Roofs, as it turns out, are not forever. They wear out from the constant onslaught of extreme weather. The more frequent and intense the storms, the quicker they wear out. You start noticing holes in their protection. This means after 30 years of service, they need to be refreshed. Rebuilt. What happens if you don’t reroof? They break down and everyone suffers.
What if MHS is simply a byproduct of men’s role as protectors? The way I see it, men are generally built physically stronger and less emotionally to fulfill the role of the roof. Would be very difficult to sustain your role of protector if every storm that came through caused you to become emotionally overwhelmed. No, you need to numb yourself to the fear and constant attacks in order to do your job. Day after day, year after year, that numbing extends to most of your life as you try desperately to hold on and protect those below you. This numbs you to all kinds of things, things that used to bring you joy. Why? Because it is taking everything you have to keep up that role, that protection. It matters to you. More than your happiness or time to yourself. More than your hobbies. You don’t have the energy like you did in the past. Every storm takes just a little more. And a little more. And a little more. And that makes you grumpy because you can feel yourself getting weaker and weaker.
If the analogy holds, do you see how no matter how well the wife supports the roof, he is still being beaten down? He is still going numb. Of course, remove the role of the wife (the support) and the roof falls almost immediately. Men are almost always better than they would be on their own because they have a wife to support them. To prop them up. To keep them going. Well, that is unless the wife is not performing her role. In this case, she benefits from his protection but provides no support or value for his work. This creates the feeling of always being alone in their difficult task, which only exacerbates the MHS. This is similar to, if not worse than, men without wives who suffer the additional burden of being both roof and walls. The only difference is men flying solo have no one to protect other than themselves (and this is why you often see older men just letting themselves go). They don’t care if the roof fails because the only one it impacts is them and they are used to being beaten down. Used to being numb. Resigned to that fact. Without support, they quickly conclude that no one cares about their well-being. And they often are not wrong.
Now we mentioned initially that pharmaceuticals and therapy are the ‘cures’ currently applied to MHS. Let’s see how they hold up to the roof analogy. Pharmaceuticals are just a patch in a worn-down roof. They just prolong the problem, not solve the problem. In fact, they might make things worse because they give an artificial sense that the roof is completely strong again when it isn’t. This might trick the man into thinking he is something he is not, leading to a much bigger downfall when the weakened parts of the roof fail. Drugs are not a reroof and won’t work forever. They won’t take away years of feeling beaten down just because a man feels more masculine again. Sure, they might provide an initial reprieve but they are no long-term solution. Plus, who knows what kind of side effects will occur when artificially adjusting a man’s hormones later on in his life? Or the financial commitment to something that didn’t fix the problem.
You know what also isn’t a reroof? Talking about how the roof is failing. All the discussion in the world about the many storms that have hit the roof are not going to make it strong again. This is often why men don’t want to talk about things. They know this. They know what they have been through. It doesn’t alleviate the responsibility to keep doing the job, to keep weathering the storms. If anything, the more they dwell on the emotions they are having, the harder it is to maintain their role as the roof. There is a reason why they have learned to harden themselves. Become numb. It was to endure. To protect. To fill their role. A role many take very seriously. Additionally, if they share the burden of the roof with others (especially their wife) they are burdening her with that emotional weight and therefore not doing their jobs. Their job is to protect her and free her up for all the hard stuff she does (like supporting the whole house). He must find a way to endure.
Now the $64,000 question is how do you reroof a man? Well, it won’t come by talking. Not for most men. I’m not saying communication isn’t important. It is. I’m saying it won’t cure MHS. Do you know what will? Doing something. Doing lots of somethings. And they should be new to his life. Unfamiliar. Well at least enough where he hasn’t already numbed himself to it. The funny thing is this is why men have a midlife crisis. They go do something out of character. Unfortunately, it is usually something not well thought out or productive. But the instinct is there. They are looking to bring change into their life. Dramatic change. No, this doesn’t mean getting a new wife (unless the current wife offers no support). In fact, with communication, he will want you to do it with him. Together. He just needs to break free of the numbness of doing the same thing for too long. Nothing to look forward to. A reroof is like a refreshing of his life and goals and ambitions and, well, purpose. Most men need purpose and respect in their lives. If they stagnate, they lose these vital two things. Reroofing involves starting to bring those two things back into his life. Help him find somewhere where he can be successful and feel powerful again. And the more you can get him to adopt, the quicker and more successful the reroof will be.
All things considered, men experiencing MHS need patience from their wives while they work through this difficult time. They need support, even if they don’t know in what specific way. They just need to know that you care and understand they aren’t what they once were. They need to understand that this numbness/grumpiness is the byproduct of a difficult life lived trying to fill an important role. This is not a choice so much as a byproduct of actually caring about those they are tasked with protecting. In their minds, they are putting others above themselves even if it harms them. It just has unintended side effects.
Finally, wives trying to inform their husbands they need to go do a bunch of new things in order to cure their MHS is going to fall on deaf ears (unfortunately the messenger matters). Therefore, my final suggestion on all of this is men need a mentor. So often 40–60-year-old men no longer have a mentor, having to go it alone. This is a failure of society. Men need to remember to help those younger than them regardless of their age and listen to those who have come before. We need an older, more senior man to sit the younger man down and tell him these important concepts. “No roof is eternal. Every man will come to this point in his life. You are breaking down and it is affecting those you are tasked with protecting. You need to reroof and the only way is to inject new and unexplored avenues into your life. Regain some of your power and purpose by taking up a new journey. Doesn’t matter what it is. If you really want to protect your family, running yourself into the ground isn’t going to do it. They need you to still be that roof. Have the humility and wherewithal to recognize this fact, own its truth, and make changes. I will help you do it. You are not alone. You don’t need to feel numb anymore. I overcame this time and so can you. Here is how…”
